Sunday, September 25, 2005

happiness is...

- holding a newborn baby wrapped in a warm blanket
- sharing a bed with some cats
- a new Grey's Anatomy (I am single, looking for a George of my own)
- time spent at the fair
- yarn that I can't seem to stop buying

knitting: I'm still on sock 2 of 4, and hope to have two finished pairs by the end of this week. Then the stripey cardigan is up, and another cardigan with a pattern yet to be determined is up. (oh, and Christmas knitting, but that won't be discussed for fear that others will pick up on what they might see. Mom, this means you.)

it's been an interesting week. This was my last week on the medicine service and it went out with a bang. Thursday night I was on call and a quarter to midnight there was an emergency c-section that involved all hands on deck and my job as the med student was to watch, and hold everyone's pagers, answering them as needed.

Earlier that evening (when things were much calmer) I'd been up on the labor and delivery floor to check in on someone. While I was there a nurse brought a little one out to the nurses station so his mom could grab a nap. They saw me oogling and then suggested that it'd help them if I held him for a bit. All I had to do was glance at the senior resident and hear "go for it" before I scooped him up and settled in for a few minutes. There's nothing like a newborn baby, less then a day old. Nothing like how they mold into you, and squint when the lights are too bright and wimper a bit when the printer nearby comes on. I limited myself to a mere 10 minutes because otherwise I could have sat there all night. I hope that my obstetrics rotation will be set up here because I'd love a chance to spend a few more nights with the little ones.

One of the patients I took care of over a long period of time was a hospice patient. I enjoyed working with her, but my experience has left me pondering where the line between living and dying is. There is truth that they can be the same thing and it's not a static, but instead a fluid line. We are all going to die, and if we have any choice in the matter, what is important? Special treatment isn't that special when a person is dying, and I know I did things that may seem "out of the ordinary" because I wanted to make the patients day a little bit better. It's what I would want, and this experience will stay with me for a long time. I am no longer on the service, and probably will not hear what happens next with her. It will/might be worse not knowing then it would be hearing that she died peacefully.

I write here because it helps me remember what projects I was working on when and the little ins and outs of what could become a blurred memory of my medical education. I do my best to keep it positive, and the "happiness is" posts are my reflections on what I am grateful for.

But right now I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, and am cranky and am digging my heels into my current situation. My schedule was rearranged because I need to retake the boards in three weeks and so my blocks of rotations have been rearranged so I can study my tail off.

I haven't offically gotten all of my books out yet, but I can tell right now that I was happier in the hospital. The idea of spending all day/night with study guides and sample tests for the next two weeks is enough for me to consider crumpling into a ball of tears. It's as much midset as it is attitude and I need to make a change if the next half a month is going to be doable.

that, however, is easier said then done. My mind is racing and I'm easily distracted. This is going to be an exercise in how I can overcome myself. I don't have a choice about the time - these two weeks are all I get, and I'm going to need to work fast. I'm worried about what will happen if I don't get thorugh this time, but I'm not dwelling on it. I'm not competitive and choose to walk away from situations that leave me feeling like I have to "beat" something, even if it's just myself. Tomorrow is day 1, and I have a plan for what I'll cover and somehow this will work out the way I see it in my head. Really.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

letting out biiiigggggg loonnngggg sigh - it's a hurdle Kristin, you just gotta close you eyes and jump over it. A big painful one for sure...Here's to wishing you all the memory cells you need and brute force of persistance to get through the thing.

And do I read you correctly - do you need your own copy of Gray's Anatomy? I have a paperback 1974 edition that's yours if you want it. It's cool to have around and everything, but frankly, it'll just sit on our shelf.

and PS - any chance they gave you useful information about the last boards? How close you were, and what areas in particular needed attention? Right, I thought not...harumph.

6:11 AM  
Blogger Katy said...

Oh, the studying sounds miserable, but you can do it! Plan some rewards and tuck in to the books. Like Sara said, it's one big hurdle. Good luck & hang in there!

6:51 AM  
Anonymous margene said...

You can do must, right? Find a way to relax first, get your head in the right place and then settle down and study. It will be worth it.

10:25 AM  
Blogger Danielle said...

Hang in there!

I have such a nice picture in my mind of you holding that little baby. Just reading about it made me smile :) Moments like that are what it's all about ... the tests are just a hurdle along the way.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Lorette said...

Here's your cheerleading squad! You can get through the studying! Crumple into a ball of tears, if you must, but then just do it one page at a time.

1:39 PM  
Blogger claudia said...

Starting is the hardest. But you can do it!

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Janine said...

Think of us as a circle surrounding you, sending metaphorical brownies and glasses of milk while reminding you that you can do it, one page at a time.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Kim said...

Try not to get overwhelmed...we are all here rooting for you and sending positive vibes your way. It will all be worth it, in the end :-)

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Laurie said...

One day at a time, putting everything you have into it, so there will be no regrets. That's all you can do. Seeking the calm, seeking the inner self helps too.

6:30 PM  

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